The last two months were ugly for me, spiritually. I unintentionally withdrew myself from God as I spent less and less devotional time with Him and did not obey His command/reminder. The one thing I struggled the most was about loving someone.
I used to think that I cared about this person X a lot that I always got sad when X did not do the right things, in my opinion. Over time, I learned that nothing I do or say could make any difference to X's way of thinking and actions, I felt so undermined and desperate. I then learned to numb the pain by keep telling myself that X was just a 'neighbor buddy' or a 'friend I just met once', thus I should not care too much (or practically speaking: ignore). After a while, this worked.
My little heart kept telling me that I was a bad person and that God wants me to restore the relationship. But I never wanted to return. Not ever. The past hurts, and I am ready to live for myself.
Last week, as I was talking to my mom about this problem, she gently reminded me:
"If you love someone, why do you want him/her to be like you? or to do what you do? You should love them as they are, and even if they do not reply (love) you back."
Her last remark was, "Think of what Jesus would do. Doesn't He always love you even though many times you don't remember Him or disobey Him?"
I got so sad. All these times I have been suppressing the very spirit God has put in my heart, that told me I need to change, I need to change. I know my love is superficial. I am always eager to share my love with others, but at some point, I want to be recognized, to be loved back. How selfish. And this God's very words have to come from my mom, who is not a believer. How good of salt and light have I been!
C.S. Lewis in his book "Mere Christianity" says that loving our enemy does not mean we have to love their bad actions, as we still love ourselves regardless of our bad actions. In the journey, we depend on God and are full of hope that we keep improving (being a better person). Similarly, we should help our enemies to depend on God, and we should be full of hope that they will change and be better people. This is what it means to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
On a side note: I take 'enemy' as not only the people we consider harmful (such as terrorists, robbers) but also those who we hate in our daily life (such as irritating colleagues).
Last week I fasted. I really want to kill my pride and change my attitude towards X. I want to care, but not ask to be cared back. I will try to fix this relationship and be a better person.
Will you?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
do i know this X? X fakta ato fiktif? apakah qta memperingati hari lahir na si X? wkwkwkw..
El,
I somehow understand what you're saying.
Wow, if only we have the strong ability to love people unconditionally, to love people with nothing in return, the way they are, but there's a desire in all of us to have someone to return our love, a tendency in our heart not to forgive.
Just take it slow, day by day...Only God can melt the heart of stone...
Iya OB, I agree.
Tom, not anybody to be curious about lah! hehehe..
I hope there is no time limit for comments because this one is waaayyy overdue. Here goes:
1) Moms are almost always correct. There is something to be said about hard won wisdom from experience.
2) Wanting someone to change to be like us if we do nice things to them is not love. At best it is misguided. At worst it is controlling/manipulative.
3) We view the world/people from our subjective point of view/moral standard. We tend to believe our own view is the most correct one and others should be more like us. We want to change the world to be more aligned with our beliefs. If the other person is a mature adult being of sound mind and body and is not harming him/herself and others around him - leave him/her alone. Everyone is entitled to make their own mistakes. What looks good for us may not be good for other people.
4) Relationships are 2 way streets. If we are nice to another person, it is only human to expect the other person to be nice to us. If one person keeps giving and the other person keeps taking, that is a parasitic/abusive relationship. It is not healthy to stay in that kind of relationship. It will drain you of your vitality.
5) Before you can love other people, you have to love yourself first. That means taking care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It is not selfish - it is self interest. Do not feel guilty about loving yourself. Guilt serves no purpose, and it will drain your positive attitude.
6) Why do you feel such an everwhelming need to care for X? Is X not capable of taking care of him/herself? Do you feel a need to be a "martyr" and sacrifice your feelings for this other person? What kind of relationship are you looking for with X?
Jim, gpp kok comment sekarang, toh kan orangnya masih around and reading the blog :)
Aku setuju dengan poin2 yang kamu sebut. I know it by theory, but doing it is still hard for me. In short, aku ga matured enough to that standard. It's just not easy to love people unconditionally like how Jesus loves us.
Post a Comment