I need to slow down

I am a busy person, I have to admit. Or maybe I am not so busy but I make myself busy. When I have "spare" time, I feel weird. Literally, I will feel like something is wrong and I get restless. Sadly I am a person who cannot relax.
This may be surprising to you, but even though I do lots of volunteer work, and occupy most of my time preparing or doing those work, deep in me I know that I am serving myself much more than I do other people, especially those who are the closest to me. God reminds me of this all the time, but I close my ears and am unwilling to change. My ego keeps saying that I do not have time for others, instead I have to finish this and that--all that are about my stuffs.

This time, I think God calls me loud enough that I pay attention. This story is quoted from "the naked soul" by Tim Alan Gardner. It actually came from a university commencement address that Fred Rogers (PBS) addressed in 2002. It is a beautiful story and really knocks on my heart.

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For a long time I wondered why I felt like bowing when people showed their appreciation for the work that I've been privileged to do. What I've come to understand is that we who bow are probably--whether we know it or not--acknowledging the presence of the eternal: we're bowing to the eternal in our neighbor. You see, I believe that appreciation is a holy thing, that when we look for what's best in the person we happen to be with at the moment, we're doing what God does. So, in loving and appreciating our neighbor, we're participating in something truly sacred....
      I wonder if you've heard what happened at the Seattle Special Olympics a few years ago. For the 100-yard dash there were nine contestants...and at the sound of the gun they took off. But one little boy stumbled and fell and hurt his knee and began to cry. The other eight children heard the boy crying. They slowed down, turned around, saw the boy and ran back to him--every one of them ran back to him. One little girl with Down syndrome bent down and kissed the boy and said, "This will make it better."
      The little boy got up, and he and the rest of the runners linked their arms together and joyfully walked to the finish line.
      They all finished the race at the same time. And when they did, everyone in the stadium stood up and clapped and whistled and cheered.... Deep down we know that what matters in this life is much more than winning for ourselves. What really matters is helping others win, too, even if it means slowing down and changing our course now and then.

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I spent most of my time for myself. Even when I am sleeping in the train, I can not really sleep because of thoughts about happenings at work, home, with friends, and everything else. In many occasions, I personally avoid going out with friends or visiting them because of the need to manage my personal matters. On top of all that, my thoughts are mostly about problems and pains, instead of gratitude to God. At night, I can easily ask God for help relieving my anxious heart, but will stumble to say, "I am thankful for.." I got to think for that!

I remember one day in the office, I did not say hi nor greet the cleaning lady who was washing the many dishes from my team's potluck. I usually chat with her a bit but that time I was hurrying to get to bus and to the train station, so I purposely avoided meeting her. The plan went well, but I was very unhappy with that decision and felt guilty afterward. Here is someone who washes my lunch containers everyday, is nice to everyone at the office, yet work alone all night. She deserves to a hi and chat for a few minutes the least. I was so selfish.

I definitely need to work on managing my time better. I do want to pursue my interests, but that all means nothing if I do not care for the people closest to me: my family and friends. I pray also that God will give me the heart and compassion to see their needs, and be of help in those areas.