Encouragement

One of the ways people improve is by seeking others' opinion. It's usually after one person finishes a task when he/she asks for feedback. A feedback can be positive or negative, and usually it depends on how the person actually did.

Say, the person looking for the feedback is A.
If I think A does a good job, especially in comparison to others, I will say, "Congratulations!! You did such a great job!" or "Wow! That was amazing!" or "I am so proud of you!" Plus, I will say all that will full excitement.

If I think A does an ok job, I will say, "Hey, good job!", or "That was nice!", or "You certainly have trained hard for it!" And I probably smile while saying that.

If I think A does a not-so-good to awful job, I will probably say things in the line of: "Good job, but you can do (this part) better" or "Nice try, why don't you do (this part) (in a different way) next time." Sometimes, I don't say anything at all, just to avoid A getting discouraged.

Now, I would like to first limit the scope of this reflection to cover A's actions that are not morally/spiritually related, but just ordinary, daily routines or work. And I want to bring this up in the matter of Encouragement and Appreciation. I used to be pretty thrifty in giving those. I would only say "Great" if it's really great, and most of the time, things are merely "Ok".

It was about two years ago when I first experienced first-hand the power of encouragement and praise. It was the first time I did something and everybody threw rains of compliments, -even though- I know I did ok, not great. But instantly I realized how encouraging it was, and how happy I became. In this group, even when one of us made mistakes, others would focus on his/her motivation and thus give lavish and sincere appreciations. To this day, I have never got negative review, yet still continuously improving in what I do. In a way, the compliments make me try to live up to the high expectation.

I used to argue that this technique won't work all the time. In some cases, we should bring up the mistakes, being hopeful that the person will correct it next time. Sometimes though, we fall into being too focused on the problem and sound accusative, thus we fail to help the person to improve. So, what should we do?

Recently I am reading the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. It is a great book, which I definitely recommend you to read, too. As soon as I finish it, you can borrow it :).
There are multiple chapters in the book that discuss "how to be nice and criticize others at the same time." I pick only two chapters to get these two rules:

1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
2. Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

Note that it asks for "honest" appreciation, not faked praises that sound lame and the other person will surely notice it. One way to look at it is: when we make mistakes, we still like to be appreciated for what we have done, especially if we have put effort on it or are struggling in areas that outsider are not aware of; and we definitely do not mind being encouraged to do even better.

This book is full of examples, many of which are too long to quote here. So I pick these shorter ones, quoted exactly as in the book:

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies, we might say, "We're really proud of you Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better."
In this case, Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word "but." He might then questioned the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure.
This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and." "We're really proud of you Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others."

For the first few days of the work, when Mrs. Jacob returned from her job, she noticed that her yard was strewn with the cut ends of lumber. She didn't want to antagonize the builders, because they did excellent work. So after the workers had gone home, she and her children picked up and neatly piled all the lumber debris in a corner. The following morning she called the foremen to one side and said, "I'm really pleased with the way the front lawn was left last night: it is nice and clean and does not offend the neighbors." From that day forward the workers picked up and piled all the debris to one side, and the foremen came in each day seeking approval of the condition the lawn was left in after a day's work.

I started thinking about this not while reading from the bible, but I'm sure the bible talks about encouragement and praises. Here are some verses that I think are relevant:

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word.

Proverbs 15:2
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

Ephesians 4:29
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

I myself am still learning to apply this in my interaction with other people. So far it has helped me to be more careful with my choice of words, try to look at other people from their positive sides, and just be supportive to them.

The Ten Commandments of Dating (Part 1)

Some of us is dating now, thinking about dating or just done with the whole dating thing... I want to share what I learned last wednesday at church. As a singles group, I hope that this will be beneficial for all of us to learn how we are as a Christian should date. No doubt that the Christian view of dating is different that the world view of dating. Don't let the world teach you theology.

Relationship and dating, they all start with YOU. No one else can make you happy, whole or complete. You must be solid and complete all by yourself.
Do you know who you are?
Do you feel good about yourself?
Do you have a solid sense of worth and value?
REMEMBER – It all starts with you!

Dating Commandment I:
Thou shalt get a life!
Pursue your life now, don’t put it off to the future.
Pursue your dream and goal in life now. Some people put their life on hold until they found the one. If I met someone then…If I got married, then…If I owned a house, then…If I found the perfect job, then…You could be missing the best years of your life. You could be missing the blessing that God has in store for you.


Dating Commandment II:
Thou shalt have the same values!
Find out and write down what would be your values.
Figure out what are your non-negotiables and what are your negotiables in a relationship.
Don’t let your non-negotiables be your negotiables!

Examples of values:
- Relationally intimate with God and other people
- Family oriented
- Spiritually mature
- Sexually pure
- Servanthood
- Financially mature
- Committed to growing
- Playtime (Fun !)
- Active in church

Find out also if the person that you like has good characters mentioned in Galatians 5: 22:
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control.

Test these characters in that person, observe how they relate and treat other people, observe if you can see these characters manifested in their life.

Don’t try to change a person later in the relationship! (either they have these characters or they don’t).


Dating Commandment III:
Thou shalt go deep to build a foundation!
(Relational Intimacy, not physical intimacy)

Communication! Communication! Communication!

Build a strong foundation in a relationship through communication.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What qualities draw you to this person?
- What is the level of sharing in this relationship?
- Do you feel safe? Can you be honest? Open? Able to be silly or serious? Able to be comfortable?
There are more to come and I will try to be a better learner and to take better notes to share with everybody.

(To be continued….)

Dog Theology

What is it about a wiener dog that we love so much? Is it the long snout, the long droopy ears, the big paws and short legs? Or is it the bossy domineering attitude despite the petite profile? One thing for sure though that puppy dog loves to see its master comes home, excitingly wagging its tail and all. It’s been waiting patiently all day for the master to return and together taking a stroll in the neighborhood. The dog loves spending time at its master’s feet, being around, spending time with its master and riding in a car, shotgun, leaving a trail of snout marks on the window. What a loyal creature…(Although an intermittent whining made me thought that the proper name for it should be a whiner dog).

A dog will think: “Wow, you feed me, you take care of me, you love me, wow, you must be god.” Unlike cat that thinks: “Wow, you feed me, you take care of me, you love me, wow, I must be god.” (Cat lovers, please don’t send me emails, and yes, you should be ashamed of yourselves…haha).

Why am I telling you a dog story? Maybe because I just saw a picture of a wiener dog on my calendar, or maybe because I want to draw a parallel to that story. I thought, wow, if only I have that passionate desire to spend times with my Master, the LORD of the universe every chance I got, to have the passion to go home and right away reading and feasting on God’s word. One day I’m passionate about God, other day not so much…I feel that I need to learn from the dog theology that I need to love much more, worship much more and serve much more the God that has lavished me with unending blessing and love.

I was feeling pretty overwhelmed earlier.. not as a result of any specific issue but a multitude of them. Especially now is the end of the weekend. I didn't finish all the things I have planned to finish. Sigh.
Then I read a devotion from K-Love, which I'd like to share here. It says:

When trouble comes, do these three things:

1. Get alone with God.
Psalm 27:5 says, "In the time of trouble, He shall hide me in His pavilion"
All hell could break loose around you but it didn't matter, in the secret place there was peace.
Are you allowing things to overwhelm you that really don't make a difference?
Are you upset over things that should be dismissed as trivialities?

2. Refuse to live beyond help because you have an image to uphold.
The Bible says those of us who are strong ought to bear the burdens of the weak. There are times when we need to do the lifting; and times when we ourselves need to be lifted.

3. Be sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit for He will constantly remind you of God's plan, and show you how to carry it out.
And here is Jesus' promise in John 14 that really comforted me tonight.

John 14:15-27
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"If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever--the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Then Judas (not Judas Iscariot) said, "But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?"

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me.

"All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

 

Me, Myself, and My Love

The last two months were ugly for me, spiritually. I unintentionally withdrew myself from God as I spent less and less devotional time with Him and did not obey His command/reminder. The one thing I struggled the most was about loving someone.
I used to think that I cared about this person X a lot that I always got sad when X did not do the right things, in my opinion. Over time, I learned that nothing I do or say could make any difference to X's way of thinking and actions, I felt so undermined and desperate. I then learned to numb the pain by keep telling myself that X was just a 'neighbor buddy' or a 'friend I just met once', thus I should not care too much (or practically speaking: ignore). After a while, this worked.
My little heart kept telling me that I was a bad person and that God wants me to restore the relationship. But I never wanted to return. Not ever. The past hurts, and I am ready to live for myself.

Last week, as I was talking to my mom about this problem, she gently reminded me:
"If you love someone, why do you want him/her to be like you? or to do what you do? You should love them as they are, and even if they do not reply (love) you back."
Her last remark was, "Think of what Jesus would do. Doesn't He always love you even though many times you don't remember Him or disobey Him?"

I got so sad. All these times I have been suppressing the very spirit God has put in my heart, that told me I need to change, I need to change. I know my love is superficial. I am always eager to share my love with others, but at some point, I want to be recognized, to be loved back. How selfish. And this God's very words have to come from my mom, who is not a believer. How good of salt and light have I been!
C.S. Lewis in his book "Mere Christianity" says that loving our enemy does not mean we have to love their bad actions, as we still love ourselves regardless of our bad actions. In the journey, we depend on God and are full of hope that we keep improving (being a better person). Similarly, we should help our enemies to depend on God, and we should be full of hope that they will change and be better people. This is what it means to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
On a side note: I take 'enemy' as not only the people we consider harmful (such as terrorists, robbers) but also those who we hate in our daily life (such as irritating colleagues).

Last week I fasted. I really want to kill my pride and change my attitude towards X. I want to care, but not ask to be cared back. I will try to fix this relationship and be a better person.
Will you?

Worship that pleases God

Friends, I'm posting this devotional material I got from CCBC that taught me a lot. May you be blessed as I am!
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God wants all of us!! He doesn’t want a part of us. He asks for all our hearts, our
souls, our minds, and our strength. And He is not interested in half-hearted
commitment or partial obedience. God desires a full devotion of us, not little bits
of our life. That is what God calls worship.

Today many equate worship with being emotionally moved by sound of music,
but that is not the same. Real worship takes place when our spirit responds to
God, and not to some musical tone. It is always good that we can praises God
with our voice and musical instruments, but that alone is not enough.

The best style of worship is the one that most authentically reflects our love for
God. He is pleased when our worship is thoughtful. But if our worship is
mindless, it is meaningless. No matter how long we sing unto the Lord or how
beautiful we sing to Him, but if we don’t respond with our spirit, it is
meaningless. And Jesus called that thoughtless worship “vain
repetitions” (Matthew 6:7).

Another thing we must know about worship that pleases the Lord: God is
pleased when our worship is practical. The of book of Romans 11:1-2 explains
about our true act of worship. It says, “Offer your body as living sacrifice...”
Now, why does God want our body? Why He doesn’t say “Offer your spirit”? It
is because without our body we can’t do anything on this planet! In eternity we
will receive new, improved, upgraded body, but while we’re on earth, God says,
“Give me what you’ve go!” God is just being practical about worship..

In worship we are to “offer” our bodies as living sacrifices. People say, “I can’t
make it to the prayer, but I’ll be with you in spirit”. Do you know what that
means? It means nothing. It’s meaningless. As long as we’re on earth, our spirit
can only be where our body is. If our body isn’t there, neither are we.
Friends, a real worship is costly. David knew this and said, “I will not offer the
Lord my God sacrifices that have cost me nothing”.

True worship always takes effort and energy. It is not always convenient and
sometimes it requires a willing sacrifice.

Shadow Mission

A shadow mission is something that is deeply important to us but that leads us away from God’s purposes for our lives since shadow mission is fueled with our pride and past wound. It’s typically just a few degrees off from God's will, but those few degrees is leading us straight to hell.
There is no Jesus in our shadow mission. Beneath our mission for God lies our shadow mission. All Christians have one. Some give in to it, some about to and some don’t, but it lurks beneath the surface nonetheless.

As I listened to John Ortberg teaching this evening, I wonder about what is my shadow mission. I think I know what it is, but was afraid to admit it. John took us through the book of Esther, where Queen Esther has a shadow mission. In the previous chapter, King Xerxes' chief of staff, Haman because of his hatred for Mordecai, Queen Esther's uncle, plot to destroy the Jews. But Esther was afraid to challenge the King to save her people since Queen Esther is a Jew.
This is what she said to Mordecai, "All the king's officials and the people of the royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death. The only exception to this is for the king to extend the gold scepter to him and spare his life. But thirty days have passed since I was called to go to the king."
Mordecai sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

If you continued to read the book of Esther, Esther saved her people from destruction, Haman was hanged for his hatred and Mordecai became the King's chief of staff.

Esther's shadow mission was life of comfort and security and her genuine mission was to save the Jew so our Lord Jesus can be born.

So ask these questions in your life:
1. What is your shadow mission in life?
What sinister things that will take you out of your genuine mission?
Find out what it is and pray that God will keep you away from it. Share it with your trusted friends so they can hold you accountable for it.

2. Did God put you in royal position right now or where you are right now for a reason?

3. Who is Mordecai in your life?
Do you have someone in your life who love you enough to challenge you when you are drifting from God's will?

We need more Mordecai in our life. Somebody that will challenge us and hold us accountable.

How many time churches and organizations got destroyed because of scandals because we are afraid to challenge someone.

How many time the name of Jesus Christ got dragged through the mud because we are afraid to challenge someone...